This blog is about the things that are not cool to say at a Farmer’s Market.

Farmer’s Markets are no longer just for farmers and people who live on farms. Now, everyone goes to Farmer’s Markets. There are even people who go to the Farmer’s Market who don’t even like food!

But there are certain things that are still not cool to say at a Farmer’s Market. Here are 20 of them:

1. “How much for this whole cow?”

2. “I’ll trade you this beautiful baby for some corn.”

3. “Do you have any anti-oxidants?”

4. “Is this GMO?”

5. “What is this, anyway?”

6. “Could I get a bite of that apple before I buy it?”

7. “My kids love these!”

8. “I can’t eat gluten.”

9. “I’m looking for some local, organic, raw honey.”

10. “Does all of your bread contain nuts?”

Dear Farmer’s Market shoppers,

I love you. I really do. Whenever I go to the farmer’s market, it brings a tear to my eye because it reminds me of how much I love this town and how happy I am that I get to live here.

But there are a few things that some of you say and do that bother me. They make me not want to come back to the farmer’s market until they are gone. So please read this list of 20 things that are not cool to say at a farmer’s market and please never do or say these things again.

1. “How many pounds of kale would you like?”

“Oh, only one pound.”

We all know that kale is super healthy and low calorie and we should be eating at least four pounds of it a day but let’s be real for a minute here: no one actually wants to eat four pounds of kale in one day.

You can pretend that you’re going home and making kale chips or kale salads or whatever, but we both know that the minute you get home from the farmer’s market, your kale is going straight in the freezer where it will stay for several months until you are cleaning out your freezer and find it again and throw it away without even

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, but I have to get it off my chest. I’ve been going to the Farmer’s Market for years now and it used to be a nice place where you could go buy some fresh produce, locally grown from small farms, and maybe a bottle of wine from a local winery. Nowadays though, I can’t seem to go shopping without someone saying something that is not cool. You may think these things are funny or clever, but they aren’t. Here’s a list of things that are not cool to say at the Farmer’s Market:

1. “I just came here for the crack.”

2. “Did you know that farmers grew all the food in this market?”

3. “You know what would make this market better? If they had some ice cream.”

4. “This corn looks like it was grown by aliens.”

5. “Can I get $20 worth of whatever is cheapest?”

6. “Why do farmers have so many arms?”

7. “This is my favorite farmer’s market because all the farmers are super hot.”

8. “Is there somewhere cheaper than this?”

9. “I don’t care about

1. “Is this all you have?”

2. “I’ll have a pound of that and that, please.”

3. “What’s the difference between these two types of potatoes? Which one is better?”

4. “Is everything here organic?”

5. “Is this organic?”

6. You ask for a sample to taste, then spit it out.

7. You ask for a sample to taste, then complain about how it’s too salty or too tart or too whatever, and try to get the farmer to agree with you.

8. You ask for a sample to taste, and when the farmer asks how many you would like, you say “Just one,” then eat it and walk away without buying anything. (This happens often enough that we don’t give samples anymore.)

9. You ask for a free sample in order to determine whether they are as good as someone else’s apples who charges more money per pound than us (Yes, this has happened before!).

10. You ask if the produce is local, then when the farmer confirms that it was grown locally (within 100 miles), you complain about how local food isn’t worth paying for because it’s not as good as food from California or Chile or wherever

1. “Oh my god, we should totally get a duck!”

2. “Let’s go to the farmer’s market, it’ll be like we’re in Portlandia!”

3. “This is just like that episode of Downton Abbey when they went to the farmer’s market.”

4. “I love farmer’s markets because I feel like I am getting an authentic local experience.”

5. “I just love how locally sourced everything is here.”

6. “I wish they were playing more Mumford & Sons today.”

7. “This is so much better than Whole Foods!”

8. “This is so much better than Whole Foods, right?!”

9. “Whew, it’s really hot out here! It must be nice for you farmers to get out in the sun for a change!”

10. [You are standing in front of a pile of cauliflower.] “Ugh, why do all these vegetables look so dirty?”

1. My food-stamp card isn’t working.

2. Are you violating the animal rights of these chickens?

3. How much for a pig?

4. Do you take credit cards?

5. I got to get my money back from this farmer’s market and go to Micky D’s, I’m hungry as hell!

6. You’re a farmer and you don’t grow weed? What kind of farmer are you?

7. Is your honey really local?

8. This is mine now!

9. Your stuff is contaminated with GMOs!

10. Can I get some change for the bus?

5. “I have a small farm.”

Your “small” farm is not comparable to an organic, sustainable, local market farm. When you say that you have a small farm, what you are saying is that your farm produces $50 worth of food annually. These farmers are a different breed than your “I have a small farm” crowd. You will find them in their field at 5 in the morning, or in their cold room washing produce at midnight. They truly love farming and feeding people good food. Don’t be confused by the fact that they look like hippies – they are business people and successful ones at that.

4. “I want to buy this but I’m going to wait until it goes on sale.”

This is not Costco or Wal-Mart or Target; these farmers don’t mark down produce that isn’t selling well because they don’t buy it before hand and then get stuck with it if no one ends up buying it. This is not clothing, this is food. They did not receive a discount on their seeds and inputs because they bought them by the truck load then slap a 50% markdown sticker on it when no one buys it during the season. This is their livelihood and they must pay rent, student loans, mortgage